I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
