so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize