it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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