Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
