That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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