Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
