Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
