Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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