..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
