Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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