saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
