so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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