Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize