the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
