i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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