My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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