Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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