my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
