Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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