She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So apparently I’m into choking now
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
