You just made me feel so damn special
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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