i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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