i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
