Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize