There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
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