What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
