My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
