thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
