Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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