While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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