At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Why can't burritos get me drunk
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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