Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
