thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
