I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
there was a trapeze. enough said
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
