Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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