Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
