so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
