Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
we're making bets on your personal life
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
