I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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