I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
