sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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