I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Pooping to opera.
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