yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Randomize
