theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
