Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
