dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
