saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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