That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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