In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
