You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
