I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
