I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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