My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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