the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just want to make out with him forever
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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