I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
