you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
