Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
