Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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