They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
