I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Floor bacon is actually really good
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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