She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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